Confidence is a strange trait. It’s a superpower in most cases. Its absence can definitely pull one down and make most tasks harder than they already are. Too much of it can irritate others (just ask my wife or quizzing teammates when I rattle off the most nonsensical answer to a question as if it were the gospel truth).
It is outwardly visible when it comes to things like public speaking and performing in front of others. But there is confidence in everyday acts as well – making eye contact when meeting someone new, the ability to raise one’s hand when a question is asked in a classroom/ meeting or even making a decision at work knowing that one would never have access to perfect information and that the outcomes are not deterministic.
The one mistake a lot of people make – especially parents – when we try and fortify someone and help them become confident is that we think that having nerves (pterodactyl-sized butterflies flying around the stomach) is the opposite of confidence. The absence of nerves is not confidence. It may even be indifference. Overcoming nerves is what leads to confidence.
I’m still in that phase (which might only last another year or two) where my 10-year-old thinks the world of me. He also thinks that I approach every situation with confidence and don’t get nervous. “Dad, I’m not as confident as you” had become a regular refrain and crushed me as a parent every single time he said it. I had perhaps never been vulnerable enough with my kiddo. In this theatre of life – he had perhaps only seen the magic on stage, but never the absolute chaos occurring in the wings. He had never seen me as a beginner – as someone who struggled to put one foot in front of the other.
Regular readers might remember that I picked up playing the piano last year (I’ve never learnt any other musical instrument before). But a longish break in between meant that I had to restart from the basics earlier this year with a new teacher. After about 6 months of puttering around – my teacher challenged me to perform a prepared musical piece in public. The only hitch – no other adult students had signed up for this and I would have to perform along with a small group of 4- to 10-year-old beginners.
So one after the other – 4-year-old Jonah and 8-year-old Christine and five others – tottered onto the stage and very competently played either a classical piano or violin piece. I mean Jonah’s legs were dangling off the bench in front of the piano. I got this! Or did I?
I went up on stage and introduced myself in the same format as everyone else.
“Hi – my name is Anshumani and I’m 43 years old and today I will be performing a piece by Johann Pachelbel called Canon in D. I will be accompanied by my teacher Ms Arielle who will be working really hard to save this piece.” Lots of tittering and laughter from the audience – mostly parents of the kids who had just performed.
I sat down – and started adding some labels to the keys (because I tend to lose my position on the piano at times – especially in a piece like Canon which involves multiple octaves). I am used to public speaking and years of theatre and improv have given me a certain ease in front of audiences. So I joked about labeling the keys and got the audience over to my side.
I started playing and my mind went – blank? I completely forgot what I was supposed to do next. If you see the video, you can see me making an excuse about the keys getting stuck because of the labels (they slightly were) and then take a deep breath and restart.
And freeze again!
At this point I rubbed my hands together, clapped them and told myself to get my act together. And then I played the piece all the way to the end. You’ll notice a lot of my mistakes and a hauntingly beautiful violin performance by my teacher that saved the day. I felt a genuine sense of relief at the end of the performance. It felt good that I had picked up a new skill and tested myself.
But more importantly – my son saw that even his infallible father could get nervous. And make a lot of mistakes. And then work his way through the embarrassment of messing up in front of an audience and reach the end. And then take a bow.
Without overcoming nerves, there is no confidence.
Up next – some 80s rock and pop. Gulp!